Too Real

How can I write a portrait of someone I don't know? How can I write a portrait of someone I know so well?

I've been wanting to write “portraits” of people since reading The Diary of Anais Nin. She prepared characters for books by writing from experience and observations. I no longer feel comfortable inventing people. I am also nervous about chronicling them, especially after Edith asked for the name change. I should really change everyone's name, especially mine.

But that's a different story. I think I want to invent again. Diarist suits me either too well or not at all, and I'm worried about becoming too entrenched in this project that has no boundaries. I think that I will forget how to play by rules, and forget that some people have a distinction between good and bad. By forgetting these things my life will become more difficult, in a tiresome way.

What is it that keeps me from excelling? I used to feel so pleased with myself. I was so positively reinforced. Why? What was I doing then that I have lost now? I don't think I have shrunk, I don't even feel that I've changed my shape. Why is all so dis-satisfactory? Am I disillusioned? I don't feel any wiser, that's for sure.

I keep dreaming of huge projects. I keep dreaming of giving my life to something. It's really quite meta, when I'm daydreaming about how I could be at work and be totally inefficient because my mind is caught up in something. Does that situation translate into words? I dream that I'm dreaming something.

Am I capable? One of the things I dream is the Artists Collective. Another is a Book. Things I haven't started. I wonder if I could start them. I wonder if I want to start them.

Who are you? Come closer.