Starting Saturday

It's been a while, huh.

I'm trying to start work on my thesis, on my homework, on my job, on my life, but I'm looking at pages without really seeing words. Maybe if I make some words I'll believe in them, and see them. That's how ghosts work, why not words. 

I would rather be writing than reading, so maybe that's what I should do. Yes, I'll write today. I wrote all week: a long essay about my house for creative writing, a short essay about a lovely poem for French. It goes:

Nudité de la vérité

“Je le sais bien.”

Le désespoir n’a pas d’ailes,

L’amour non plus,

Pas de visage,

Ne parlent pas,

Je ne bouge pas,

Je ne les regarde pas,

Je ne leur parle pas

Mais je suis bien aussi vivant que mon amour et que mon désespoir.

But my very favorite is:

L’aube je t’aime j’ai toute la nuit dans les veines

Toute la nuit je t’ai regardée

J’ai tout à deviner je suis sûr des ténèbres

Elles me donnent le pouvoir

De t’envelopper

De t’agiter désir de vivre

Au sein de mon immobilité

Le pouvoir de te révéler

De te libérer de te perdre

Flamme invisible dans le jour.

Si tu t’en vas la porte s’ouvre sur le jour

Si tu t’en vas la porte s’ouvre sur moi-même.

But now I'm supposed to read Ponge, and I can't dig my eyes into it. Even rereading these two was hard. Yes, I am supposed to write today. Not so bad.

I want to summarize how my life has changed since last I wrote, but it's unclear. I'm dating someone, not sleeping alone, not sleeping around, I don't have herpes, and I might get a job in the Bay.

It's all a dream, and I thought of a beautiful summary on Twitter last night:

It's like I'm daring someone to make me pay for my sins, but they keep throwing money at me.

It's sad that I've stopped thinking about morality as something I can have, but I still think of sin as something I can have. Essentially, I can never do right but I can very easily do wrong. My life's philosophy needs some work. We've encountered an error.

I should have showered. But I know that I will later, and probably enjoy it more. Oh, maybe I'll watch one of the films I barely have the attention span for. Oh.

OH! The scholarship essay. I will write that.