Csi Miami season 9 episode 6

OR No One Says Off Point Because No One Watches CSI Miami

Don't google me. Social media point charge.

Because every charge distribution looks like a point charge from far away so your social media sphere looks the same as mine if you're god or aliens. 

Time-Travel Dysmorphia

Puberty is put forward as this crazy time when your body undergoes unbelievable change and wow it's hard to deal with oh man don't panic guys.
But really, the rapid change in my body was easy to keep track of. These days, when my body changes it goes so slowly that I hardly notice. Then one day I'll scratch my shoulder and think "holy shit that's a different shape than before!"

Back story though. When I was younger, I felt a strange breed of dysmorphia. I didn't really recognize my face as my own. In my imagination, my face looked very different. The face I saw in my mind was my own, but what it would look like 3-5 years later. When I came to college, I had the last face that I had imagined. I thought: "This is what I will look like forever."

If only it were so simple. Since then my face has become longer and thinner. My body has changed too. Some of it has to do with the change in lifestyle (read: Life of the Mind) so my legs are less muscled. But that doesn't explain away these hips. That doesn't explain this waist. I can't see the future anymore.

They gradually feel more and more like they belong to me, but there's been a wee setback in the last week or so. I don't think I've been eating enough. I can feel many more bones in my shoulders and hips than I could before. I don't feel particularly skinnier, but that could be related to my cycle. Bones. I feel exposed. I feel pokey. It doesn't feel like me.

All of this is part of why getting dressed/facepaint is so important to me. It's how I own my body, either by making it the shape I recognize or making it so unrecognizable that the disconnect doesn't scare me.

If only I could dress my name. I'm feeling more and more like "Julia" though.

Blamo

This weekend has me smiling all the time. I feel like everything will be alright. No, I feel like everything is great, and everything will continue to be great as long as everything is like this.

So, this weekend I went to a party. We all got very very drunk and called all of our siblings and I did a little bit of a "popper" before deciding it was the grossest thing ever and then I flopped onto the air mattress that was in the living room. My housemate did the same thing and then suddenly we were holding hands. And that's all, we just held hands loosely for a few minutes I don't know how or why but his arm was behind my head and and my arm was across his lap and somehow we were holding each other's hands and just touching them and his hands are very dry and you can feel his knuckles through his vegan fingers and it was heaven.

We're acting silly now. I smile at him all the time. He smiles back. He laughs at my jokes. I make him a mug with a Seven of Nine quote on it:

"I have noticed your attempts to engage me in idle conversation. And I see the way your pupils dilate when you look at my body."

I think it's a hilarious thing to put on a mug, because someone will say "ooh, what does your mug say, it's so nice and handmade?!?" and then read it and be like, OH SHIT HE'S ON TO ME!

Or he'll be like, damn this girl is crazy why she like me so much. But he's acting silly too so I think he likes this flirty business. Or he likes me. We didn't say anything about the hand-holding. I like him so much.

He's so great. He's good and great. I used to think that people at Reed were either good or great and no one had the emotional fortitude to be both but he's both and I feel amazing right now.

Yesterday I spent two hours of the day shedding uncontrollable tears

I think I may have left the end of my rope somewhere back there. I dunno, I don't really have time to look for it.
Maybe this weekend's strange moods were stress-induced, because honestly it seems like my whole life is stress-induced, even the stress-less parts. I have to seek out activities that have no stress in response to the stress-drenched life I lead.
I'm not managing it.
The physics grading took me 8.5 hours this weekend. And by this weekend I mean 4 of them were Monday so the grading was super late. I had a committee meeting and relay and I realized that I just didn't have time to get them done even during business hours. At 1 am, I left the library. definitely not business hours.
Uncontrollable crying? Well, I missed most of electro because I had to leave and be bummed that the one thing I hadn't fucked up yet (physics grading) was now fucked. By 'be bummed' I mean sob under a tree. Then I went to the bathroom in the Bio building to clean up but a professor who is on the committee with me happened to be there and he waited outside to tell me that if I needed the 1.5 hrs we'd spend in the meeting  I should take them. I tried to explain that the committee is awesome for me because I love discussions and I don't have any conference classes but it didn't really work.
Then, at 1 am, walking home from the library, I started crying again. I hope no one heard in the house. There was just nothing left in me except that. I literally flailed my arms before I even realized that was what I was doing.
One nice part was talking to Allie for an hour and a half before going to the library. She understood my plight a little bit, which was cool. Also it was good to decompress.
Okay, so I'll try to do better from now on but I added up the hours and I'm actually OVERLOADING, like doing at least an extra credit worth of work between committees and relay and grading.
So let's just say that won't be the case next semester.

strange moods

On Friday night I spent 100 dollars on quality food and cleaned the house until 1:30 in the morning.

On Saturday I made breakfast for everyone. I threw 2 bowls and 3 mugs in the ceramics studio, and then went to my housemate's show. It was done by about 9, but I just hung out at home afterwards.

On Sunday I went for a bike ride, and then made pasta for everyone, and then finally started on work. Later tonight I'll go to the ceramics studio with Jeanie, and throw some more. I've been dreaming up this crazy chandelier. All I want is art.

This weekend was strange in that I made nothing but healthy choices, with regards to my life. My school work is still unbalanced to the point of doom and despair, but I try not to think about it.

The chandelier is going to be amazing. We have a bunch of half rusted steel, and my lovely housemate will help make the base. Then a mobile of porcelain vases will hang down center of the rectangular-spiral staircase and the whole thing will be a death trap but it will be so beautiful.

Ahhh.

Difficult Truth

So I read this article this morning.
http://nplusonemag.com/what-do-you-desire#.UoGXw054FCg.facebook
It's long, but I couldn't stop halfway through. I feel like I'm in the same place that this woman is, in a way. Yes, younger different whatever whoever. But in terms of sex, it's spot on.
The last time I had sex was at the end of July. It was good, but at that point I felt like I was trading sex for emotional support. The idea of sex had stopped being attractive.
What fucked me up? Frenchmen. The constant sexual harassment I experienced this summer has lead to more shame and discomfort around the idea of sex than I've had since middle school. I feel objectified by compliments and angry at admiration. Is this valid? Sure. Is it productive? No.
How will I heal? I don't know. I hope I want to kiss people casually again. Maybe Spring-Fall will help. In the mean time... Well, I have to go meet with my advisor, so I can't flush this out, but I think I'll just take more data. Mindfully.

There's this cool program that randomly generates facebook statuses that sound like you based on your past statuses

Haha no sleep

Prove to god NO rain yet?

Like druid blood.

burning man without missing THE ONE WHO IS there

 other highlight I am I the only agriculture in the eye!

is that is THE city and the girls are easy ways and pie with sleep

good thing and doesn't list homework as an example.

They were all men in a lyricless song.

being back DOWN AT 1100 degrees Celsius is so lonely now.

The difference between Hogwarts, Hogwarts, and they

it got a dynamical system may have found demons.

Physics midterm as stairs.

no, shitshow means impressive, in the SKY

Alright, this country may have our relationship with tits, and it's a dangerous thingamajig... Get out of its inhabitants.

A working list of my heart

In the tree I just watch him do

Lemme know if I can dare to dream where a wisdom tooth used to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pacify

I went because I wanted to ride in the back of the truck. I also like watching my housemate play music. When we got to Recess I served as drum technician number 4, which is to say that I carried a drum up the stairs. Then we went to a friend's apartment until it was showtime.

Or, since our friend was playing first, 20 minutes late to the advertised show time. The music didn't start until 9, 40 minutes later. During those 40 minutes, I watched the room (the small, smelly room) fill with Reedies. None of them except the ~radicals~ even acknowledged me. Even a dude who I thought I'd had a Real Conversation with one time. It was so awful.

But then the band played, which was really fun. Afterwards, most of my crew left for a smokebreak. I met some new folks who live in a different house with a bunch of my friends, and then the second band played. I must have been in a weird spot in the room because I could not differentiate the instruments. So I left, very annoyed. As I was leaving out the door I was told the fire marshal had come and no one was being let back in. Ridiculous.

I hung out behind the building with my house etcetera and that was alright but I was still so angry about how rude and hip everyone was trying to be. I mean, yeah, sometimes people don't see you but it was actually EVERYONE and they were doing it to everyone and I think that scene is just really fucked up.
Fast forward: we leave, and I get to ride alone in the back of the truck with the drum sets. I sing some favorite songs to the night. I feel good.

At home, my housemates prepare to go to Daft Ball.  Due to the mountains of hate I was feeling for Reedies, I thought about just skipping it.

But you know what washes away mountains of hate? Oceans of seratonin.

So with glow sticks and black light paint we headed down the hill.
I found some friends but it was striking, as it always is, how few people I knew in the room. That only mattered until I came up, at about midnight+15.

And then I danced. I didn't care who with, except that I didn't want to dance "with" anyone because this roll was more about how the inside of my body felt, the joints and muscles instead of the skin. Oh I danced.

The best part of the dance was that this freshman who I think is really cute and I just get excellent vibes from was dancing near me, rolling so hard.  I thought maybe I'd creeped him out by too obviously being attracted to him, but it's probably just paranoia left over from the French Experience of being perma-creeped myself. Anyways, I had my light up valve covers (motion activated) that Connor had given me at Burning Man. The circumstances were too parallel, and I wasn't really using them. I handed them to him and he went apeshit. It was awesome. That was healing.

The only thing I worried about was that the music would end too early. But it didn't. When it finally did, I was tired. I went outside with the sweetest sophomore and talked and talked at her. She likes to listen. I basically just said everything that was on my mind. I also walked around her in circles while she spun to face me.

I had a lot of catching up to do in the water-consumption department. I endeavored to drink the entire water fountain but was unsuccessful. Eventually we collapsed in the pool hall due to its proximity to water and its music. After laying down for a while, I danced again.

One of my favorite people at Reed came in, and the music was Portishead-y and soft with heavy beats and I just moved my body. Oh my god.
I played this song after a while. I'm a little obsessed.
http://papipacify.me/

Then that favorite person gave me a wonderful massage. She laid on top of me and we talked. A little bit more dancing, and then... it was time or something.
I made it home at 5 am. My phone was stolen at the dance, but not my wallet which is awesome. Neither the button that came off the coat that I would feel awful if I lost. They did steal my purple lipstick though so they will burn.
Oh, and I don't hate everyone anymore. Funny how that works.