Self-Like

I really think I sorted something out tonight.
Last year was hard in ways I still don't understand. Emotionally and intellectually, I was at the end of the rope. The entire candle was on fire. The metaphors lay gasping at the last stretch of the marathon.
Right?
But I didn't really see it at the time. Even with the full mental breakdown, and the week in bed, I didn't realize how far gone I was. But cut to France, where I have nothing but perspective. That's when I realized I don't even recognize the girl living my life. Why did she make those choices, and who was she appeasing or pleasing or disappointing?
Now I'm back in the same situation. Funny thing is, I still don't recognize myself. It's not a lack of motivation, its a lack of motivation behind the motivation. Why am I motivated to do anything, to speak to anyone, to paint my room or to eat food? Who am I.

In short, I've been having a year-long existential crisis. It's just been masquerading as existence.

So how is this a breakthrough.

Well, the breakthrough was 2 hours ago so in part I don't really remember. But the gist is that the questions I've been asking myself aren't fair. I am not some isolated thing that exists regardless of my circumstances. I don't recognize myself because I need to stop assuming that I know myself. I need to keep knowing myself.

I have self-love. But self-like is something that needs to morph with me. I need to prepare to be a friend to myself, not just a sister. I can do it.