Practice love letter for my Paideia class

The first time that I saw you, I thought maybe there was something wrong with me. A part of me has thought that every time since.
You were too far away to even see clearly. Suddenly I couldn't breath or I didn't want to breath, or there was something else in my mouth that kept me from breathing. Maybe I'd inhaled something too strong for air and too soft to feel.
I walked east to be closer to you, or "to see your face" as I convinced myself. I don't think I did see your face that day. I pretended that you were in my way, just to say something to you. I remember your clothes were the color of a forest. I passed you and took my smile with me.
I asked my friends who I'd seen in your vicinity if they knew your name. None of them did. In addition, none of them saw what I saw in you, so I pretended to be surprised that I was attracted to you. How can you be surprised by something that feels like a part of you? Maybe it happens.
Maybe this happens? Maybe you were just the first time. Maybe it'll happen again and again! Maybe this isn't some sacred magic that I should stay away from. Maybe if you aren't the love of my life it won't matter. Then again, maybe I could touch you and kiss you and this feeling would persist and I'd be drawn to you no matter what. I don't want to take the risk either way. But I guess I miss deep breaths and I think that I could breathe through you.
-Julia

A story everyone should read: World Memory by Italo Calvino

http://www.scribd.com/doc/4930515/memory-of-the-world-calvino

my favorite passage from Zhuangzi

 We sleep and our spirits converge; we awake  and our bodies open outward. We give, we receive, we act, we construct; all day long we apply our minds to struggles against one thing or another--struggles unadorned or struggles concealed, but in either case tightly packed one after another without gap.

The small fears leave us nervous and depleted; the large fears leave us stunned and blank. Shooting forth like an arrow from a bowstring; such is our presumption when we arbitrate right and wrong. Holding fast as if to sworn oaths: such is our defense of our victories.

 Worn away as if by autumn  and winter: such is our daily dwindling, drowning us in our own activities, unable to turn back.

Book life

I read a book yesterday. It felt like clicking back into the summer setting. Turning pages, hopping from perch to perch as I followed the sun's arc over my house. I spent a few hours with people, but there was always the slow murmur behind my brain that asked 'what happens next, how does it end, what will it say,' encouraging me to leave my friends.

Neuromancer, by William Gibson. Today I rode my bike to Powell's to pick up the sequel. Lolita has become too creepy. I can no longer have any feeling toward Humbert Humbert but revulsion. No feelings towards Lolita but pity. Not because of the situation, but because of how they are acting. The situation has been the same for a while, but the people are becoming more pathetic. I'm sure I'll get through it eventually. But for now, Count Zero.

Self-Like

I really think I sorted something out tonight.
Last year was hard in ways I still don't understand. Emotionally and intellectually, I was at the end of the rope. The entire candle was on fire. The metaphors lay gasping at the last stretch of the marathon.
Right?
But I didn't really see it at the time. Even with the full mental breakdown, and the week in bed, I didn't realize how far gone I was. But cut to France, where I have nothing but perspective. That's when I realized I don't even recognize the girl living my life. Why did she make those choices, and who was she appeasing or pleasing or disappointing?
Now I'm back in the same situation. Funny thing is, I still don't recognize myself. It's not a lack of motivation, its a lack of motivation behind the motivation. Why am I motivated to do anything, to speak to anyone, to paint my room or to eat food? Who am I.

In short, I've been having a year-long existential crisis. It's just been masquerading as existence.

So how is this a breakthrough.

Well, the breakthrough was 2 hours ago so in part I don't really remember. But the gist is that the questions I've been asking myself aren't fair. I am not some isolated thing that exists regardless of my circumstances. I don't recognize myself because I need to stop assuming that I know myself. I need to keep knowing myself.

I have self-love. But self-like is something that needs to morph with me. I need to prepare to be a friend to myself, not just a sister. I can do it.

Recognition

These days I don't recognize myself. I don't see my face I don't see my handwriting I don't see my art I don't hear my words I don't feel my desires I don't make my choices I
I feel lost. I want to know if I am who I want to be. I mean, obviously not, but I want to be able to work towards who I want to be. I just don't know where I am or where I'm going.
All I know is where I've been, and that looks more and more appealing.
So I don't value myself. I want to go back to someone I was satisfied with.
That is a) impossible b) wrong and I have some explaining to do.

My family is supportive

Night

Edith came over and we gave eachother massages while listening to Broken Social Scene and I pretty much forgot about all other thoughts.

Also my ear is being stretch to accommodate a beautiful silver swirl and I think this body mod will do me good.

The methox only cured my sadness for a week, but caffeinating cures my sadness for a day. It also makes me sweat and talk and yell and be easily annoyed and bored, but it works. Caffeine gives me ADHD?
Seems logical.

Didn't do any homework tonight. Fuck the police.

Self-love>Beer's law.
Oh chemistry I love you sometimes. I love me always. And the rest it's like, eh...
Hot freshman though. Need to make moves.

Google Translate gets fucked by Proust

He there awake, but do not know, and can only repeat indefinitely, with less force, this same testimony that I do not know what I want and interpret at least to ask him again and return intact, available to me, just now, to final enlightenment.

(I never get sick of this one)

How I asked my friend for his time/love

The Current Future (10:02 pm 10-02-13) is unacceptable. I have decided to change it in for a new one.

In the Improved Future, or the Current Future (10:04 pm 10-02-13), we will do something awesome together this weekend (I have a plan. I mean, I have a Current Plan, stay tuned for Improved Current Plan (approx. 10:03 am 10-12-13)).

If you take issue with the Current Future please change it. Alerting me of these changes would be cool but then again, soon the Future will become the Present and then we'll know for sure.

Love,
Julia

Is this obviously a date? I guess it can just be time together and if it turns into a date then that works and if it doesn't then we'll have built an awesome art project on the front lawn so really nothing can go wrong I hope he thinks it's funny.

(he is clearly number 8)

classic love life

I've just made a list of 10 dudes I could potentially fuck in the next few weeks. I also listed the reasons why I shouldn't fuck them. They are:

-eh
-eh
-australian
-don't know anything about
-isn't interested anymore
-has lots of feelings
-communication strugz
-can we date plz
-2 yr old sexual tension is probably too old
-something is off but something sure is on

Need to find a new dating pool asap cuz this dating puddle is not doin' it for me.

This is my life now

Learning to solder circuits today more pumped than this photo would suggest