I just found out that Burial's music is basically the same as my brainwaves. It gave me shivers at first. But now it's just companionship. I've always said that I was looking for someone I could be alone with. Maybe that someone could just be music, because people like that are few and far between.
I've come to some conclusions about the Summer at Home problem. The most freestanding one is this: I haven't found activities that satisfy me beyond the time spent actually doing them. Riding my bicycle, doing photoshoots with my friends, building sandcastles, reading books, making food... after it's over I forget why it was good. Then, to feel motivated again, I have to really force myself to imagine how I will feel while doing it. I can't look to how I will feel in anticipation or after it.
This is the opposite of how I functioned in Madrid. Small activities were enormous victories. Little efforts changed my life so much. It was like pulling a kite through air versus pulling it through water. Maybe it's because I focused much more on myself. Here, in organizing an activity, my energy is focused on making it enjoyable for other people. That gives me short term gratification. But once I can't see smiling faces I forget them and realize that I didn't really get much out of it. Then I look at the effort I put it and feel wasted.
Some of the activities listed above are just for me though. Even those have lost some luster and become evidence of my failure to engage productively with other people. It's not as bad as all this. I still feel content and tired after a long day's dress-up. But after feeling so proud of myself for having an active life in Madrid, it's hard to go back to a life that's so easy that it's not gratifying.
The simple solution is to go back to school, obviously.
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