Last year, I began the search for summer internships in late fall. The earliest deadline that I gave myself was to have an application drafted by Thanksgiving. The holiday came and went without any progress. My other deadlines followed in the same vein. Eventually, my father contacted various universities in Europe to see if anyone had a program with the potential to accommodate a a summer intern. I began the conversation with a professor at the Universidad Complutense in January. On May 2nd, I committed myself. At the last minute, I jetted off to Madrid with no formal program, just myself and a large dose of trepidation.
Searching for potential internships is exhilarating. It uncovers the breadth of your field as well as revealing the many roles you can play within it. You, or someone else. You, or someone with more experience. Maybe they're a junior in college, maybe their hobby is reading textbooks, maybe they speak C++... But you should probably apply anyways. Suddenly there's a new context around your field of study. Evaluation in academia doesn't correspond to effectiveness in the real world. Maybe you passed the class, but do you really understand Maxwell's equations? What business do you have looking to get work experience if you can't use a del operator?
Back to first person; enough of this nonsense. I still haven't overcome the fear of inadequacy. I'm afraid of being behind, being less than they expected, being unable to focus, or being uninterested. I should know by now that I'm entirely reliable, I work hard, and I do what needs to be done. The research group in Spain invited me to come back, and wrote me a lovely letter of recommendation. Still, I look at the opportunities in front of me and assume that I will be disappointing.
The excuses that I used last summer are now invalid. I'll be at or beyond the experience level most applicants will have. By May 2013, I'll have taken 4 semester of math, and 4 semesters of physics. I'll be halfway through my degree. I hope that imagining how qualified I'll be will get me through applications due early on. While I still worry that I should be exploring interests beyond physics, those opportunities are less time sensitive. I can write at any point in my life. Research Opportunities for Undergraduates are really only available for the next two summers.
Maybe I'll explore my philosophy of the summer internship more objectively some day. For now, I'm too focused on how it makes me reevaluate my status as a future scientist. A potential future scientist. I may apply for some newspaper opportunities too, because I cannot reject the part of me that isn't sure why I'm studying physics in the first place.
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