this damn crush

I had a few days where I thought I was completely free from it.

Day -2: we kiss for a half an hour, my shirt comes off and he asks to touch my breast and we keep kissing with a crowd of people bumping into us, saying silly things around us and I wonder if maybe we should stop but there's no reason to stop and I want it and there's a distinct possibility that we won't kiss again for five months.

Later that night we cross paths a few times, but we never stick.

Day -1: We are avoiding eye contact. Or at least he is. The weird vibes turn me off and I avoid him.

Day 0: He asks if I want to talk about it via facebook because he hasn't found me in my office. We talk. He wanted to make sure I felt good about consent. I wanted to know what page I should be on, to put us on the same page, to know what flirting all the time means for us. He explains that he has a girlfriend, that he's tied down. I ask him if the flirting is okay. He says yes, that they've talked about it once.

Day 1: It's fading. I feel freer. We're still avoiding contact but not in a bad way.

Day 2: I even think about other people. He does something stupid and I don't even register it as endearing.

Day 3: We're both at the scrounge, and I involve him in my conversation so that maybe we can move towards being friends.

Day 4: Awkwardness mostly gone. Barely look at the back of his head in class.

Fastforward ~1 week. We are in the imaginary numbers.

Monday night of finals week a bunch of us are studying together in the basement and its just hitting me in waves. I put on the songs I've been listening to for weeks and he stands up and turns around and tells me how he listened to Overgrown this summer at his internship. We joke about smoking a cigarette together and when I bum one off someone four of us go to the psych roof but they make me smoke it by myself. He walks close to me. He jokes that I'll have to bury him after tonight. I offer various options, and we decide to send his ashes to the stratosphere so he'll get spread everywhere. At 3:30 in the morning I leave and go home, kicking myself because it's back full force.

I used to be annoyed that my friends didn't think it was cute that I had a crush on him. Now one of my buddies is convinced we would be great and it's making it way worse. And he stopped being so hot and cold. I can't deal with him this warm.

I'm a fucking child but I'm so high off this but I feel so guilty because he's off limits and not even mine to borrow. But apparently flirting is okay.

The only part that hurts is that I feel like I can see exactly how happy I would be if we could actually date and it looks amazing. I know it's all in my head but I feel like this year would be golden with a little more sex and a few more kisses and it's just so close and so far.

I should go meet someone new. This boy though.