thinking about violence

I hate quantum mechanics for the way it makes me feel while I’m doing it. I hate that the math seems to obscure the concepts for me, not illuminate them. I also hate a feeling that happened just once. I hate that after two hours of thinking and scribbling I looked at the work I had done for my final exam and had a strong desire to stab myself in the eye with my mechanical pencil.

Not just a mechanical pencil, but specifically a drafting pencil. Before the .7 lead peaks out there is a slender metal tube that extends from the taper after the grip.  The inside of my left eye ached for that little hollow cylinder, and my right eye could almost feel it already. My hand trembled, not because I was about to do it, but because I wanted it so badly.

I’ve engaged in the dark art of  “self-harm” as they call it. I don’t feel like it really deserves the umbrella term. I have cut my hand to watch it heal. I have cut my stomach to distract myself from other pain. And thanks to quantum mechanics, I have almost maimed myself because I wanted to.

I hope that the distinction is clear.

Violence to eyes, from writing implements. So key to each other, suddenly opposed. It’s disgusting. They don’t deserve each other, not in that way.