broken vows

I did it. My honor is forever marred.

I smoked weed, after I swore: "Never Again!" not 6 months ago. Weak, savage, animal that I am.

I only did it because I was with other kids who don't smoke and it's funny because I feel like it's how weed is supposed to be smoked. Giggling because no one can roll a joint and half of it spills onto the mirror-table. Sitting around in the dark taking tiny hits and telling stories.

Parties are poison.

I mean this quite literally, we went to a party and part of the "show" was a dude breaking fluorescent bulbs into a bucket. I fled the scene, having attended an Environmental Chemistry lecture on heavy metal poisoning a mere 3 weeks prior. I paced dramatically, I googled the periodic table on my phone, I looked up the mercury content of fluorescent bulbs and just generally spazzed while the rest of party was closed up in a garage that was rapidly filling with toxic fumes. Finally, I texted Neal my concerns and he came out. I milled nervously for several more minutes, explaining my concerns and also my reluctance to make a scene about it.

Neal finally volunteers to talk to the "artist" who was his friend. He comes back with the good news that the point of the "piece" was to recycle properly, and that the friend had sprinkled sulfur over the shards to neutralize the mercury.

Let's rewind again, sitting in the park across the street with Liana and Anna, watching the clouds do their cloudy voodoo in the sky, watching strange yellow flashes wink at us to the northwest of the sky, hearing a strange man barking across the street, barking back, talking about feelings and how to process and what people need. 2 hours of that left me solidly chilled, but also emotionally fulfilled somehow. It was difficult but also easy, and it made going back to the party a shift that I was interested in. I didn't want to talk to anyone there except my friends, but I guess that's normal. I just have this fantasy of going to a party and meeting exciting new people! It never happens. If it ever does, it's through other friends. I guess that's reasonable, I just dream of running off with a stranger and just getting along. Dynamics with my friends are always better though.

Melaina made me a ring out of wax. I stuck a bottle cap to it, and then a fridge-poetry word: vapid. It was a mood ring to match the one from our kitchen that I put on tonight. That was not my mood but when have you known a mood ring that was accurate?

Anyways, Melaina stole it back and we went out to witness the "art" and "music."


Now I'm sitting on the couch because the housies have gone to bed and Liana is next to me and there's Talking Heads leaking from my speakers in tin-foil Youtube flavors. I want to listen to Retrograde by James Blake but it was overwhelming Liana.