notes from methox in the rain

we talk about time like it's not happening right now.
juggling is an extension of the body like computers are an extension of the mind.
lover and creator of beauty
math
i miss you
purple hair green feather trine swingset who am i
why is that what I remember
i think of chains as the things that hold swingsets up
which is ?wrong"
I know why i do this?
i should be studying physics
i am that way
am i my mental state or my physical state
i appreciate things that are not combinations of each-other.
everything is a feedback circuit.
or is becoming and
or i wish i could use it that way because things seem more manageable when you pretend they happen one at a time.
I am tired or hungry or thirsty or wet or sleepy or happy or sad.
well, i'm not sad so I guess I still know how to use or.
Also, I was looking for a drug to make me stop caring and this was it. nice... you realize

back to school blues

When I was younger I never got cramps. 400 mg of ibuprofen and 1.5 hours later, I don't have them any more.
Tired, because drunk people came home at 4am (ish?) and disturbed my slumber. Housemate was having sex before I went to sleep, so that kept me up a bit too. The walls are thin. This room is fucking cold, I think I need blankets over the windows. I'll put them up when I leave for the potluck tonight.
I met Edith's mom. She is worried about Edith, and not in a really nice way. In a panicking way. It's not productive and I hope E comes to talk about it soon because I think it's really fucking with her.
I still feel like my life is boring. School is not as interesting as it was last year at this time. Last year problem sets felt like adventures. This year I'm just tired and overworked. It's so mundane. I need to do things.
I need more punk music in my life.

d'ailleurs, c'est toujours les autres qui meurent.

I read Lolita while I wait for bypassed emitter circuits to make sense. Lab report due in 2.5 hours, with a pile of other work that follows it. I'm ready.
But I'll drink my tea regardless. Maybe read a chapter.
I have to keep my priorities in line.

I'm home

This house makes my life. Fresh off the vine, dem beans. Pizza breakfast in bed for the housemates. Painted my walls. 

Morning

It's too early to do dishes, too early to do work. Cold cinnamon toast that Neal forgot in the toaster keeps me company, washed down with emergen-c. Saturday morning, friends.
Yesterday I bought a new journal. It's enormous. It makes the statement: I have a home. We'll see what it turns into. What any of this turns into.
Last night I stayed home and slept instead of going to a party. It could almost have been described as a mature decision.
-Nick stops by and picks up S. for a meeting.-
Quiet house apart from the dishwasher.
Sometimes I can't tell if my skin is clear and my stomach flat or if I'm just having a good self esteem day.  I check by looking at my facebook pictures and seeing which ones of them make me cringe. None. Good self-esteem day. Worth so much more.
Under all the back to school panic is a deep and abiding satisfaction. Almost joy. It's the opposite of the summer.

no dreams

I fell asleep at 2:45 am on a cocktail of caffeine and melatonin. Woke up at 6:50 to keep working.
Don't do drugs kids, or physics.
The have antagonistic interactions.
On the plus side this physics is awesome though.
The drugs are fine too, really, who am I kidding?
It's just that I keep getting sicker and sicker because there's never time to sleep it off.

The housemate who is mostly very depressed it seems was having a good time last night on the porch so I went and talked to them for at least half an hour just to watch him smile and laugh. My heart rejoiced.
Still don't know what to do about him being depressed, apart from having entertaining conversations.
Which may be the only thing to do at all.
Okay more math now.

jk this is a dream journal

I dreamt that I was walking down the highway, a part that looked a lot like the road to Burning Man, with a huge snake draped around my body. Then it slipped off and fled and I chased it but when I finally caught it it was being devoured by worms.

A Week In(d)

Sunday morning, halfway done grading problem sets and curled up in a couch on my front porch. Is this where I want to be?
Not an easy question, but I feel good. After Burning Man I just wanted to build and travel and experience (why couldn't I have gone to Burning Man before France?!?!?), all the while knowing that I'd come back to be trapped in school again.
But I live in a house that feels like home, with people who are kind and interesting and brilliant but also push me to learn and grow. And the work? We're circling each other like lions for a fight, asking "ni jiao szeu ma?" I think when we finally clash the adrenaline from the battle will hold me through.
In the mean time, the rest of my life is almost in place. My room still needs a little more paint, but I got piles of christmas lights from a garage sale yesterday, so the half-functioning fluorescence problem is solved. Edith moved everything out yesterday, so now it's really my space.
The big parties have not been appealing to me lately. The last two nights had one rager and one lovely get together each and the lovely get togethers were heavenly and the ragers made me want to rage-quit. Last night I just smoked hookah with olde chittick until 1:30 in the morning. The tobacco fucked my brain but the conversation was good and I love them.
The giant Australian likes me. I like him too. He's so good. I don't even believe in the word good but he is it. How else could I have taken 2ce for the 3rd time in the desert with dust storms and bicycles and neon lights and felt totally safe the entire time. With almost a stranger. Incredible.
But I also need people here and now. And I don't want to feel bad, even just relatively bad. But these are simple problems which are part of a complex solution.

nightmare

I dreamed that I was being chased through an art museum by inept teenagers who I stabbed with my very dull knife (which in real life was only a few inches from my head.) and then by ruthless killers.Then the chase continued to a fancy restaurant, where more ruthless killers found me. My mother didn't care, wouldn't even help me turn off my phone so that they wouldn't be able to find me as easily, and the proprietor of the restaurant was scandalized to have gunshots in his establishment. I ran and ran and ran though Colorado ranches until I got to an industrial cite, but there was a black SUV waiting for me. When I finally woke up I had dived into a patch of shrubs to await execution.

back at school gonna paint my room i don't have a bed or a working vacuum

but in other news I made it through Burning Man still alive.