The alps are more than I remember. I,
who can never be bothered to take out a camera, took so many
pictures. The problem is that my head cannot hold an accurate memory
of the alps. Every time I looked up from a path I was struck again by
the enormity of the mountains. Every time I felt the need to remember
it better. Why are they so far beyond my ability to store beauty?
I am home again. The rent is late and
the air is hot, but I have nothing to manage and so life is
manageable. My nose is still pealing from alpine sunburn. I was
closer to the sun, so it was more mordant. I was very close to the
sun.
I don't know what mood is coming, but a
feel a change. This heat, these books, this stage in my journey... I
am at a threshold. Two days ago I cried, yesterday I Slept, today
stagger like a lock following the blade of a knife, wearing down to
give way to something great.
I saw a movie of little consequence
today, but it was set in Washington. In the winter in Washington. The
green and the trees and the sea and the voices came back to me. At a
party which was the cause of the Great Sleep, someone asked me if I
was impatient to go home. I answered no, but that is only half true.
I am not unhappy here, but I do want to go home. I don't get to go
home right away, but when I finally get there the wave will have
crested an I will run out and get everyone's feet wet before they see
what's coming. There will be cool breezes.
Here there are cool breezes, but they
are artificially procured by means of a fan which I bought today, and
sing into now to hear the choppy little reflections. Then I spent
almost as much money on a 170 page book, but I think more J.M.
Coetzee is what I need. I think Disgrace was the most
important book I read this summer. We will see what comes of Waiting
for the Barbarians.
I think that they
will write an article from my research on biofilms. It feels less
hopeless, at least, though it is still far from invigorating.
So for now, I will
wait-to-see-what-comes. That's not really waiting. I hate waiting.
This is just fine.
No comments:
Post a Comment