Last night we played two ridiculous free-for-alls. As always, they devolved into wars of attrition, but they were more fun for me than they have been in the past.
For one, my little brother joined in for the start of the first one. He was quickly pulled away by pizza and a woman (with a remarkably sultry voice, good job Lil Nug.) We played water nomad, for which the winner strategy is just to send a stream of heavy demo ships against your enemy's units. I won that one, because I sniped Gameboy's king.
My head is above water on my work (just), and I'm going to get a lot of "vacation" soon from my main job! I'm not sure what that will mean for my productivity, but I hope it will give me mental space to work on the Rob Job and perhaps even grad school applications.
Emotionally, I'm split right now. There's the deep anxiety about the pandemic and about time and life and whether I am keeping my relationships strong or letting them atrophy. Then there are the high pleasures of Age, the laughter, the honest satisfaction with who I've been and who I am and who I could be.
I took a survey on imposter syndrome this week and it opened my eyes to how far I've come. I do believe myself to be capable and I believe that others recognize me as competent and professional. I think people are mostly impressed by me.
The pieces of imposter syndrome that are left in me are more superficial. I feel them fleetingly. I struggle to take positive feedback, and it can make me more anxious about how that person sees me. I often feel that I'm not performing to my highest ability and feel that I have to share mediocre work.
I think I can be very glad that I've moved past the persistent feeling of inadequacy and the feeling that everyone knows I am stupid but will not tell me. That was the worst of it. That was why I stopped doing physics. Also, I didn't like it anymore.
Just another day laying on the floor in between working, not working, eating, stretching, scheming...
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