Crushed

Y'all remember the guy I was close friends with, whom I've had an on-and-off crush on for the last ten years? He has changed so much in the last five months. He used to wish he hadn't been born and scoff at the idea of love and procreating. Now family is the most important thing, and he's dating.

Our conversation tonight made me miss my ex; made me wonder if I shouldn't have kept trying. 

I don't want to journal about it. I want to stop thinking about it and watch someone play Age of Empires and wait until it wears off. Spending life waiting for feelings to wear off sounds like a kind of death.

He has been using AI as a thought partner on technical issues. I tried my question about how much money a utility makes on grid assets, and how much customers pay for a grid asset again. The numbers seemed reasonable this time. It even added extra information and suggestions. I guess AI has gotten good enough to help me with my job, but now I'm worried I'll become a microgrid girl once I realize how much the bulk grid really costs.

Well, I've said too much about everything. But I feel brave for writing that my friend's change in perspective threatened my identity, my decisions. To be fair, he talked a lot, I asked all the questions, and that kind of conversation tends to leave me feeling vulnerable.

So look at me, processing my night just a little. I should really start a digital journal that isn't online, so that when I'm too lazy to grab a pen, I don't have to self-censor.