Y lloraras como yo

I'm trying to be gentle with myself. This week has been impossible. I've been in a haze all day every day. There has been a constant, sloshing puddle of anxiety in my stomach. It is there now. I have not been able to feel accomplished. Whether because I've done so little, done it poorly, or just not been able to recognize any success, I cannot be sure. 

I should call Esther, or my parents. I know the things I should do, need to do, but I refuse to do them. What can cure me of this self-sabotage? I want Xanax. Failing that, I could go for a drink. 

Honestly, even playing Age hasn't felt that great. If my ELO gets bad enough though I'll be able to win more, and maybe that will help!

Instead of calling my friends, I am here, and the effect is positive. The 8th Martin Beck book is also a small comfort. Rosalia, Argentine tango, and Liszt are also nice. Devendra Banhart too. 

Edith says she's had a bad month, as the reason for why we haven't talked lately. Maybe we'll talk tomorrow.

SB and I are taking care of a three-legged cat. It wasn't very interested in us, but it let us pet it for a few minutes.

I have a whole bunch of events and book clubs coming up later this month. I am prematurely overwhelmed about them. 

- Longform July 15

- Deliberative Democracy Webinar July 21 (holyshit)

- FPFM Meeting July 22

- CCL meetings

- Letter From A Region of My Mind round 2

Clay starts July 23. That could be a kind of mental liberation. 

SB is newly obsessed with Arduino vs. Evil, a youtube channel of a spicy Canadian engineer. Some choice expressions:

"I'm busier than a dog with two dicks!"

"I was conned into buying these. The easiest person to be fooled by is yourself."

Ya no te espero

llegarás pero más fuerte.

I've been listening to this song on repeat. This morning I couldn't stop laughing because the first two stanzas remind me of the feeling of getting rushed right before you finish walling (supposing you started at all) in Age.

It's great when a beautiful, poetic song also makes you smile to yourself about a private joke. My whole Wallowing playlist has this effect, because I cannot take myself seriously when I'm pining. Really, it's hard to take myself seriously when I'm sad or even miserable. 

There's a difference between "not taking yourself seriously" and "being able to laugh about the absurdity of human emotion while being compassionate with your own pain." I try to stay on the latter side, and music helps. It pushes me past the moping, over peak of pathos, and down into the gully of giggles. That is my emotional management strategy - take it or leave it. 

Probably leave it; there must be a better way.

Anyways, yesterday I woke up at 4 in the morning and couldn't sleep, so it was basically a wash. Today I slept a good amount, but not enough to get me back in action. My mind is foggy, my body is collapsing in slow motion. 

I want to play Age, but I've been losing terribly and I'd rather play with friends.

Oh! I signed up for a ceramics class starting 7/23. Time to start cutting my fingernails again. 

I have 5 weeks coming up without obligation to my main job (also without a paycheck from my main job).

Rage of Empires

Last night we played two ridiculous free-for-alls. As always, they devolved into wars of attrition, but they were more fun for me than they have been in the past.

For one, my little brother joined in for the start of the first one. He was quickly pulled away by pizza and a woman (with a remarkably sultry voice, good job Lil Nug.) We played water nomad, for which the winner strategy is just to send a stream of heavy demo ships against your enemy's units. I won that one, because I sniped Gameboy's king.

My head is above water on my work (just), and I'm going to get a lot of "vacation" soon from my main job! I'm not sure what that will mean for my productivity, but I hope it will give me mental space to work on the Rob Job and perhaps even grad school applications.

Emotionally, I'm split right now. There's the deep anxiety about the pandemic and about time and life and whether I am keeping my relationships strong or letting them atrophy. Then there are the high pleasures of Age, the laughter, the honest satisfaction with who I've been and who I am and who I could be.

I took a survey on imposter syndrome this week and it opened my eyes to how far I've come. I do believe myself to be capable and I believe that others recognize me as competent and professional. I think people are mostly impressed by me.

The pieces of imposter syndrome that are left in me are more superficial. I feel them fleetingly. I struggle to take positive feedback, and it can make me more anxious about how that person sees me. I often feel that I'm not performing to my highest ability and feel that I have to share mediocre work.

I think I can be very glad that I've moved past the persistent feeling of inadequacy and the feeling that everyone knows I am stupid but will not tell me. That was the worst of it. That was why I stopped doing physics. Also, I didn't like it anymore.

Just another day laying on the floor in between working, not working, eating, stretching, scheming...