heart so heavy

is a beautiful song.

though the earth still spins round
north still up and south still down
hey I get confused
I get turned around
the world's gone crazy

I think that I was in love once, but the memory is hazy

it was long ago in a very flat land
I fell in love with a brown eyed man
who said I'll shake you, and take you
for all that I can
well I headed west when the shit hit the fan
staying north of the equator
oh looking for something greater than love
but nothing was greater

with a heart so big and a heart so full
a heart so heavy

I know what the map's about
the coast goes north the coast goes south 
and the ocean, it flows right into your mouth
like a delectable beverage

my job was counting the curls of smoke rising up from the reckage

intoxicated against my will
I've got a rosebush here with thorns that could kill
a roof sagging under a serious bill
I've got lavenders on my windowsill
the perfume's hanging heavy

no don't come in yet don't open the door
I'm not dressed I'm not ready

with a heart so big and a heart so full
a heart so heavy

sweet romance please stay away
keep you gone for one more day
oh keep that delicious longing away
I can't take it

I can pump up to play the part
and I can't fake it

~fuckIcan'trememberwhatgoeshere~
I can't hold on and I won't let go
I can't say yes and I won't say no
and I'm stranded, shivering in the rain and the snow
totally naked 

with a heart so big and a heart so full
a heart so heavy

~Rebo Flordigan
supposing I actually remembered all of the lyrics right.


oof my heart is heavy though. Well, it is a little lighter because I tried to express to Edith how much this tangible pause is hurting me. But the physical pain makes it impossible to forget. My organs are tense. I thought that maybe I could adapt the Benzos post into a writing sample for the creative writing class that I want to take, but now it just feels like the beginning of the end. Too much. Can't.

I think maybe if I could rewrite it maybe it would help me sort things out.


 Anything to feel whole again. More art. More self.

The thing that made it harder today, that took me to the point of breaking the silence, was talking to a friend who had felt very anxious when I had felt carefree, and I didn't realize at all. I think that I am an empathetic person, maybe too empathetic, so it shocks me when people feel so differently.

When I have misunderstood:

I start erasing things.

I am barely breathing, and I'm saying WRONG WRONG WRONG and wiping my memories along with my conclusions. Everything becomes fuzzy: the sun melts into the clouds and I fall into oceans of grass with nary a sharp blade. Maybe I hate to be wrong so much that I try to forget that it ever happened, or maybe I'm just trying to purify my information and throw out invalid data points. 

I would rather remember; I would rather be confused but remember it all. I would rather not have to dig for smiles because a subconscious part of my brain has decided that the important part was all of the tears that I didn't see.

I want to scream when I feel my mind moving like this. I want to install magnets under my fingertips that attract all of the beauty I have experienced, strong magnets that won't let it slip away because something pushes me to wash my hands while I hopelessly watch the salt and dirt flow into a porcelain sink. I want the sound of my voice to sing callouses over my life and protect it, there, where it is. I want to always be touching it.

Why are we so weak, that we can't remember two versions of the same story? What part of this humanity contract (signed in bile XXX, what is my name) precludes remembering my life start to finish? I never throw away my drafts when I'm writing. What breaks inside of me to cause the loss of all of this information?

Maybe. Something. On the tip of my tongue. The next letter of the word. The right adjective. I before E. Inventing words. Clowthy. LOST.