I'm tired and I'm going to lay in the sun

but not before I write a little bit.

I don't want to tell people about Edith wanting to "pause" our friendship. I mean, I do want to, but mostly because I want to understand how it makes me feel and what it means, and maybe excuse my behavior when I punch Andrew in the face (hypothetically) or just avoid social situations when I'm feeling sad (current status.) I really don't want people feeling like they have to take my side or be supportive. Telling the void can't be so bad though, and the void was always good at processing.

So. How does it make me feel. Well, at first I was angry and sad because I saw three years of good times and creativity and energy and laughter being thrown away. Then I examined my memories more closely and wondered if that's what it really was. Now I don't know. I'm not even sure who she is. I don't even know if I want to trust her again. I don't understand anything that she has done for the last year, and if I'm less generous year and a half. I think that part of that was that she didn't tell me key things that affected her. Now when there is something in her life that I don't understand, I have to ask myself: is it because she's not telling me something? Or is it just another thing that I can't really question because that would be "invalidating" but can't understand either. It's not just a matter of understanding, but supporting. I am sure that she has reasons for these choices (some of those reasons have come out months later) but if she doesn't feel like she can explain them to me then what kind of friendship is this.

So there's a key point: When I question her decisions, it's not because I think they're wrong but because I don't understand the reasons behind them. I do see why it would come off as doubting her, because of course I assume that she's given me all of the relevant information. I can try to be more strategic about my questions, but she could also take my questions for what they are: a desire to understand, and be a part of it all. When I can't understand her life it's impossible to be a part of it. I'm sure there is a way for me to agree with her that any choice she makes is a good one. Maybe not, but at least the majority of them. Why did we go a year+ without me understanding anything she did.

Of course the easy explanation is that we aren't actually compatible as friends.

What else do I feel. I feel unappreciated, I feel wasted. When she first wanted a pause I was like, yeah, cool, do what you need to do, I felt the need to get my thoughts in order too, just because mine are pretty much ready to share and yours aren't is just because you were off exploring Europe and otherwise occupied.

Well, that was not the right explanation apparently. One of the reasons that I took time to emotionally stabilize (not because of our relationship but because of school) so that I could figure out what the problems were independent of how I assigned blame. I did this because I did not believe that the problems were her fault (or my fault) even when I felt that way.

When she called the break a "self-preservation thing" that made her the attacked party, and me the attacker. Sorry that being there for her for 2 really fucking hard years (for both of us) caused her so much pain.

And we're back at the "we should not be friends" conclusion.

Fuck, I remember what that afternoon felt like, I remember the feeling in my abdomen, I remember crossing Division Street on my bike with tears running down my face, hell, I almost broke down in the elevator, it's incredible that I made it as far as the bridge before I started crying.

That's when I thought that she thought we shouldn't be friends anymore. Well, it didn't take long to convince me. But now I don't know if that's what she meant. It's what I heard though, and that's one of those things that is hard to unhear.

When I got home she had said things that sounded like she expected progress someday. If either of us thought that something had changed  we were supposed to contact the other one. SURE. DEFINITELY. Whatever.

I just almost sent this message:
final word: this is fucking me up and it is on you to decide when you are ready because me thinking about all of this is leading nowhere good.

I would probably regret it later. And what would it achieve? Right now it feels like every day is worse than the last but maybe it will get better. There's no way for me to know that. I can try to stop thinking about it. Basically there's nothing I can say. That's the point of the break, that I say nothing. It would have been so easy if she hadn't said those things.

Maybe I need to come to terms with the fact that it's not her saying those things that matters, it's that she felt them. She felt like I was invalidating and disrespecting her when all that I was trying to do was make her feel validated and supported.

This was in a relationship where there was no room for me. I was okay with that. I didn't mention school, I talked about her bad days, and her boyfriend troubles, when inside I was screaming QUIT YOUR JOB AND DUMP THAT ASSHOLE and outside sometimes I said those things but she ignored them. I told Anya that I would tell him what I thought of him the next time I saw him. He was here last night and the pit in my stomach was too deep. Maybe next time. I just need more externalizable fury. The hurt is too deep right now.

Back to the point: I could handle feeling like I was just doing whatever she needed. She was going through a genuinely hard time, she was having trouble handling it, it's okay. Now I find out that she thinks I made it worse? Clearly a little breakdown of communication.

I know that a relationship can't work when it's all about one person. I know that people like to hear other people's problems, and like to help out, even when they're in a tough place themselves. My problems were all school and they were off limits. Even when she didn't directly say "no reed" she made fun of Reedies and mocked our issues. I told her one day in the ceramics studio that it made me uncomfortable. I don't remember what she said. I never remember what people say when it doesn't change how I feel. Like, I don't remember what S said after I told him that the last time we had sex it was not consensual.

Okay, it's getting to be time to get my shit together. I'll stop ranting, or pause ranting. If this bullshit gets me back into journaling then maybe it will all be worth it. I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT WOULD MAKE THIS WORTH IT. I CAN'T IMAGINE TRUSTING HER.

Fuck this.

It's funny because this is not what I expected to write at all. Not a lot of sun left either. Spending too much times in caves doing science or trying to cheer up my little brother and his Mono.

When is it me?

I leave for Country Fair on Thursday. Maybe that will be me. Scary. Exciting.

It's friday, how about a broken heart

"This is about self preservation. It's not just the lack of validation I've felt for a while, but the disrespect, intended or not."

Passed the background check blog can go back on the internet

phew am i rite?

So I had a panic attack in front of the board of trustees, the faculty, some senior staff, and students

Not sure when my glue will have set enough to go back out into the world. For now I am naked in bed still tearing up now and then. Veronica Mars is helping.

Guess what happened. Mary James told everyone that she admires my hard work.

After I freaked out at my brother's high school graduation I think it's official: Affirmation brings on my panic response.

This is going to be hard to explain and I think I need therapy.

25 minutes of cat vines does not erase the eye-gouging.

Jeez that last Game of Thrones episode though.

In cheerier news, I saw two shooting stars during the gory screening, because we projected it on the wall that abuts our back yard so we lay in the grass to watch it and the sky lay on top of us.

And then I fucked around on the internet for another hour because I was still a little traumatized.

I only remembered to wish on one of the two stars though.

I can't tell you my wish it won't come true.

Who am I jeez.

weltschmertz

I've been hiding from the sun pretty sucessfully.

It's been a while since I created something. I have some materials sitting beside me. I feel like the real materials are gray matter, and that blob of cranial goo has been strangely silent on the "productive activities" front. It feels good about seeing friends or looking at screens, even biking down to the Starlight Parade, but when my heart or spleen or what ever other organ tries to pull it towards the thing that gives me the most pleasure, this silly brain of mine goes flaccid. It even suggests that I ought to read about Electron Microscopy before I bother doing any art.

I've been sick since the rained out interview, but as I get my energy back I'll convince my brain to follow its dreams.

And there you have it.