I turned ye olde blog private because I was in the running for a high-profile job. I didn't get it! Did they find the blog (because if anyone could, they could, wink wink), or was my aversion to bureaucracy palpable through the Zoom? I was ambivalent about the organization. It would have been so exciting, but in a very similar way to my current job. So, the impetus to change, to leave the devil I know, was less than it would have been if it had been a new world.
The experience made me value my current role more: recognizing what I take for granted, and how I limit myself, and how I could embrace my opportunity more fully. I didn't fight for the job, but I did take it seriously. It helped me see that I could step outside of the professional role I've been in for five years (with many changes) and have another adventure.
Part of me wants the next thing to be in journalism or education, or art. My ex is passionate about education. We just broke up last week - a week ago right now, actually. I don't want to write too much about it. I think there wasn't anything either of us could have done. The chemistry wasn't there for me. I don't need a husband or a family. I need magic. I need personal expansiveness. I need inspiration. I thought I could find those things with him, but I lost them in myself as I invested in our relationship. In the end, we would have been a lovely family. But today, that's not what my heart asks for. Is this fair? Is this true? The truth is there were a number of overlapping and intersecting problems for us. That in itself was a problem: that I couldn't disentangle one challenge or block from the next, when I was with him. Where to live was a big one. And now that we're broken up, I'm pretty happy in my current spot. Rents spiking hasn't helped with the idea of trying out solo-living. I started reading old posts - themes from 2021 persist.
I mean, there was never a chance that I was going to write a whole blog post about work, right? Two more weeks of it until two weeks off! Lots to do, but also those two weeks will go very quickly, since I have one all-day event this week, a flying-day next week (two, if you count leaving in the evening on Friday), and two-ish staff retreat days. So basically one full week of work days. I may dabble in labor over the break. Strategic planning should be so fun, but when I try to do it during work hours I get distracted or stressed.
Back to what I might want for the next "thing." My play for the last two years has been oriented around creative workshops and parties. Turning that into work could be a big mistake. Going into politics, insanely, feels appealing too. I would learn a lot. Why not fail at something, next? I can't just keep being an improbable success! That's not sustainable.
Or I could write more, for real. I would learn from that. But would I stick to it, stick into it, sink like into sand suspended in water and breath through my skin?
Only way to find out is the hard way.
My upstairs landlord is rolling her walker over my ceiling. I am sorry she is so sick. And I am very sorry that it wakes me up most nights at least once. It used to be more often, 3-5 times a night, but I think I'm less anxious and emotionally repressed and she is less active.
On the couch today, after my reading club finished its discussions, my co-hosts and I discussed how bad it would be if a mildly risque party we hosted got back to our professional networks. I find it hard to take their concerns seriously. I have 356 (soon to be 357) entries on crimes, emotional turbulence, drugs, immaturity, and growth that are freely available on the internet. Sexy Earth Day is nothing.
I fell into a rabbit hole of rereading old posts. I am torn about sending my SF Bestie any part of the blog. It's such a behemoth, but she does love stories about Reed.
Bedtime comes! I spent about two hours scrolling on Youtube shorts this evening instead of reading, painting, and writing. This vibe-download is my penance. I'll tell a whole story someday again. Future Julia will read this and remember (almost) discussing David Graeber's "What's the Point if We Can't Have Fun?" And eating cookies and showing everyone the dandelion-root tea. The sunset over my computer screen, from the chair I used to call Dertron. Its fat red corduroy is covered by a gold blanked.
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