Once upon a time, my friend and I did a tarot reading about my love life. The framework resonated, and I ended up writing poems about two exes and two world-shifting crushes. The framework doesn't seem to apply as clearly to my most recent breakup. Maybe that is progress, or at least the attempt at it. Maybe I just need the emotional dust to settle, and I'll see it.
Typing these up here so that they don't get lost when I recycle the notebook that holds them, which is mostly Mossy Minds reading notes and some Morning Pages.
III
The reason is beauty
Yes yes the curve of his hip, the crook of his teeth
But more so everything else
The world turning from circle to sphere
Birds and rocks and joshua trees suddenly animated and speaking to me
Big horned sheep peeking at us before sunset
A car with a birthday, a house with a reputation
The problem is sovereignty
He said life always feels like a mess
When I lamented that he'd never known me with stability
I should have know that after five yeras
I might not be the one depriving myself
That borrowing feels very different from sharing
No matter if I think it's a gift
The tool is patience
I often fall in love while I'm already in love
I always run past the finish line
Because I don't want the race to be over
I can wait without knowing what for
Without knowing if I'm moving or standing still
I
The reason is beauty
We created together
Structures that brought silliness to the world
We broke reality and rebuilt it in a bubble
When we broke up I was fine
But when I saw him afterwards we cried and got together again
Twice
Anal on acid to consummate our second reunion
His mind only pictures
My work all stories
His jobs wrenching, me quitting mine to cheat on him in Cuba
To tell him when I got back
To make up on a beach in the Grand Canyon
The problem is sovereignty
Our home together disappeared
He moved us to the mountains while I was across the ocean
The mining shack smelled like a hundred animals
I painted the walls, I learned the forest roads
The wheels on our cars kept losing purchase
The hills too steep, the gravel too loose
In a place he belonged and I did not
The tool is patience
First love is gets a number for a reason
Innocence and growth find themselves at odds
II
The reason is beauty
I stared into his almond eyes for four minutes
We had been saving each other - best for last
I pretended to be afraid of the dark so that he'd walk me home
The problem is sovereignty
His vanity is alien
We gave his girlfriends nicknames
My abandon was too strong
And when I moved on he missed it
Six years later he remembered how my mouth made him come through the antidepressants
The tool is patience
He texted me on Thanksgiving that he loves me
9 months too late. 6 years too late.
Now I know that he chose not to give me his best
And I deserve more than he can offer
IV
The reason is beauty
I hear sounds I wouldn't have heard
I seek puzzles I wouldn't have solved
I taste delights that belong more to him than me
I make beauty for us to share
We show each other new horizons
Blackberries on the highway
Fishing in the Yunnan mountains
His smile is the best I can imagine
His eyes are big without his glasses
The problem is sovereignty
I might offer too much. More than I get back and more than he wants.
He stays a mystery. I tell him so much but still surprise him.
We don't see each other more than once a week but I think about him every day
The tool is patience
We have each changed so much
How I like him has changed, and will change more
There is no right answer
And I can rest in shades of grey
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