Is there a meaningful difference between feeling lonely and stressed?

I've been thinking that, while playing Age, I stopped feeling my stress. 

But, while making toast 90 seconds ago, I realized that it's not the stress that I lose; it's the loneliness. 

How would stress manifest in a world without loneliness? How would a deadline, an expense, or an argument emotionally touch us if we had an unshakable social support system?

I think they would touch us very lightly, if at all. 

But now, my days are defined by loneliness and boredom as I fail at or resist finding a way to fill my needs in these circumstances. 

This theory is also supported by the disproportionate pain and anxiety I feel when I think that I have disrupted the balance of my little Age scene. I cradle it like a glass bird nest full of shell-less eggs. Ok, maybe not that gently. Maybe I troll a little bit. 

Regardless. My stomach makes knots when I'm trying to decide what I should say, if I should bother Gameboy. What if I am being a burden? What if I am annoying? 

Where does that come from? Loneliness. 

I think a crush is also a symptom of loneliness. A symptom, because it moderates the feeling while not curing it at all. How can one feel lonely when you can conjure up a person in your imagination as if they were in the room with you and as if they were touching you? If you can "speak" to them whenever you want, about whatever fascinates and charms you? I think I've had all my most consuming crushes while I've been lonely. 

I also feel another enormous goddamn project brewing. I am trying to put it off. If I can delay it until August, maybe I'll have a ton of free time to execute it. Maybe it will be my sanity. 

The project is a virtual climate action open house. Using the Twinery tool. I know, it is crazy. But... It might be perfect too. 

Very tempted to sign off here with "Best, Julia" which is disturbing.

On the floor

Just laying on the floor, the sweet serenade of an Age game clicking and shushing and ringing in the background.

I listened to a webinar on labor issues and just transitions while watching... he needs an alias... Gameboy play on mute. I don't feel like I learned anything; I think I'd heard the same words in a similar sequence before.

I keep reading and listening hoping that something will click, and that seems like the problem. It is clicked. I do get the scale of the problem.

And yet, I'm stuck.

I can't put into words what I want a just society to look like.

Is it because my life would be worse?

Is it because I don't see the path that gets us there? I want to lay one foot in front of the other, but that's not how revolutions work.

Gamerboy just won, after two losses. That's nice. Julia making excessive emotional investments in the feelings of random men, what else is new.

My bedtime approaches. Jordan says he'll game with me tomorrow night for Sinergy Thursday. I hope he does, and I hope it's more fun than it was with the physics noobs.

I just want to talk to him too. Maybe I should call him now.

The Agony of Perceivedness

Did you miss me?

My social media feeds are almost exclusively donation links, activism how-tos and don't-dos, and a few potters still flogging their work to the masses.

I'm glad - the pressure of this moment comes from the protests being constantly visible.

I'm not part of it, though, yet. It is interesting to watch the messages change as the 24-hour Instagram Stories expire and the next level of analysis and list of organizations makes the rounds. The messages stream out like the beat of a heart. The sketches, and quotes, and photos, and Canva amalgamations spin like a merry-go-round getting lightly reshaped every day. Are we learning, or reacting? Are we thinking on the outside? Like bacteria becoming a biofilm, are we specializing our functions through constant signals and triggers to become a functional part of a bigger animal?

Why don't I join the party? Do I not think of my "followers" as people who could read these messages and learn from them? Do I think of my "followers" as copies of myself, seeing the same things again and again and drawing the same lessons? Do I just not feel the drive that everyone else does?

Am I afraid? I think it's the former reasons rather than this one. I almost posted about the CCL steering committee debate on making a group statement on LinkedIn, but I stopped, because the story is only just begun. The next chapter was the discussion we had on racism and police. The next chapter is our discussion of Baldwin (or whatever we do!). There is no arc yet except for the one inside me, and I don't share those stories online.

I used to. I used to share them here. And technically in 2009 every third thought made it to a Facebook status, but let's not dwell on that.

I wish that posting would feel like action, but it doesn't and it isn't. Trick Mirror reinforced that belief. Donating $$$ feels like action. Going to a protest felt... exhausting and neutral, but I do think it was meaningful. Talking to Longform and CCL feels very real, if a baby step for all involved.

I thought of this blog because Warren Ellis's newsletter had a note on blogging:

"None of us still blogging do it for clicks. We do it to leave our traces, because it feels good to us, and because complete statements are better than tweets or facebook updates."

To leave our traces. It does feel good. My mind is clearer, and the rhythm of the words puts chaos into order.

I think of this blog as a person trapped in time. College Julia has been on my mind lately. I've been looking at old pictures. They have made me laugh, lately. I would have expected to feel a little heartache, a little yearning, as I have before, but they make me fully happy. They make me glad for the life I've lived and the person I am. I wonder why they didn't always feel that way?

The oldest members of the DC Reed Alumni group were the most resistant to canceling our hangouts at the beginning of the shutdown, and are now the most eager to start them back up again. My conclusion is that losing 4 months of your life at that age (75+) is a much greater loss than "losing" 4 months of my long and winding future.

Indeed, my life didn't change a huge amount. It was more how I thought about it that changed, and how I socialize. But, the total time spent "with" friends? Not so different. I've made marginally more time for exercise and cleaning since the former is one of the only reasons to leave the house and the latter is more urgent with two people at the house all the time.

Oh, the title of this post. I think about Beckett in the context of social media activism, and also in the context of Age of Empires streaming. To post about what is happening strangely feels like it makes it more real. The compartments are gone - the people at the march aren't the only ones who know you were there, now. The bubble of lived experience pops into the ether of digital truth, to be perceived without context.

That stresses me out. The things that I post on social media are funny or charming to me specifically because they are out of context. Incidents that are nothing in life become something in an Instagram post. Things that are something in life become nothing on social media.

Age of Empires... the disjointed and surreal interfaces between the player, the game and the audience(s). The feeling of togetherness, watching the rules you know play out. The emotional cohesion as you read the player's mind, the opponent's moves, and watch them both striving for the goal you all share.

I suppose every sports fan knows what this feels like, but I am just discovering it. When I watch sports I just get riled up beyond control. When I watch Age I get focused. I feel the flow state of the players. I'm invested.

That is enough rambling from me. I do understand things better now though, so thank you for that, self and internet.