a hypocrite in the sunset

I took adderall and did work today. I bitch and moan about how people take study drugs to do work, and how it's dishonorable because it makes me feel like I owe it to my studies to eat amphetamines. Well, I didn't take it out of guilt, or panic, or any sort of necessity. And now, 8 hours in, I don't feel guilty or satisfied or anything in particular. It helps that I wasn't actually much more productive than usual. My reading speed was about the same, except that I didn't skip a single word. That was pretty thrilling. When I started doing thesis reading, though, I couldn't do it unless I took notes on every important thing, whereas usually I feel like I can just underline or write in margins. On the one hand, it meant that I spent almost 4 hours on a 15 page paper, but it wasn't wasted.

The most important thing was that the initial rush reminded me of the hunger for knowledge and the joy of doing research. That's a feeling that the stress and the drama and the physics department help me forget. I was impatient, packing my books in my thesis office, because I wanted to get back to reading. I know that I have that feeling, I had it even when I was in Hell sophomore year. Junior year, not so much. A little bit on the final paper for J-Lab.

I want all of my work to have that feeling. I think I need to seek it. I need to remind myself why I'm working. I need to tell myself that it's a joy, not a chore. That's what adderall gave me for a few hours: the investment. Not at all what I expected. I thought it would be pure efficiency. Nothing is pure.

It's been a pretty solitary day. Isabella studied with me for a while. I told her that it bothered me that she and Elaine were hooking up. Whatever.

Last night was my first beer garden. It was kind of a blur. I got way too drunk, but Liana and Neal and I had a blast. I woke up at 5 am on our couch and went up to bed.

At 5 in the morning it was pouring rain. Walking to school at 10 I saw that the first leaves had been kicked out of the trees by the rain. Now I'm sitting on the front lawn while the sun sets. The perfect temperature of the afternoon has become a little less-so with the evening dawning.

My thoughts get lost. Paragraphs get shorter.

Il faut se lever plus tot le matin, pour voir le monde sans couleurs.