it's the day of the qual, but the after party looks a little different. It's almost of replay of nitrogen day, when Hugh says "let's dance" and we join the dance but suddenly everyone stops dancing and I say "hey, let's dance" but everyone responds "no, one moment, the drop is coming" and then it drops and Hugh picks me up and spins me around and suddenly I feel like I'm flying.
I wake up to dubstep, which may have influenced my subconcious.
The day of my qual was the best day of my semester is that fucked up or what.
It's Spring Break and I think I'm doing better than last year, when I was paralyzed by my sadness but when I think about it... Last year I cried uncontrollably for 1 night. This year I've started crying randomly in the car on the drive to Ashland, and then again by the river on a hike this morning.
The first time I thought to myself, no you have to see the road right now. The second time I thought shit I put on makeup this morning.
Both times I was thinking about how I've been emotionally shredded by the physics department.
I need to put myself back together and I have no idea how. In the mean time I'm trying to help Edith do the same thing and I feel like the least qualified person in the world to help.
And for some reason I keep putting up this strong front. Who do I cry in front of. Crying by myself isn't helping. I imagine crying in front of my parents, I imagine crying in front of my professors. The only person I've cried with was Anya after daft ball and those were her tears that I was only sharing. Maybe I should try again, but I don't know if I can take it.
It feels like if I let these feelings out the buttresses on my back will fall limp and my spine with let go and I will be puddles that will never find a form again.
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