She's mixing paints right now so I have a moment to practice. Its funny how a moment of intense concentration and purposeful focus can drain your mind of shit I forgot where i was in this sentence. Liana asked me what I was typing, and I responded stream of conciousness, like what I usually write. Her eyes get wideas I respond, but they get wide when she pulls her brush downor to the side or looks up for a moment and briefly pauses. Or when the strokes
I took a mometn to put on the best of blI hope that the words ton't become what I type, because it's hard enough as it is.
Heart of glass
I cried all morning. The kind of crying you can't escape because it has no direct source . I was feeling buzzwords like greif or hard work, or acknowledge or compensate shudder my whole body. Praise broke me down. Just thinking ... No, feeling. And now the sun has a low and golden quality that hasn't managed to invade the house yet. and I saw rainbows mise en abime in the sky Another comment from Liana.
More wide eyes.Her eyes widen like she's discovering something. It makes me regret that feeling, because it used to happen in physics, or I would work only to acnticipate that feeling. Well, now I work in dread of the feeling of inadequacy and isoclation. That's pretty overwhleming, there's no room for discovery. Lok at that, I can't escape it.
My notbook from physics 200 and electro 1 is sitting in the direction that I am not supposed to look, so I'll pay it no mind. My car peaks out from he edge of the window a red phantom at the harshwhite sill. It's a little too far in the direction that I am supposed to look, so I go back to my irregular eyecontact with the artist. The
Dreaming
Liana takes a moment to mix a second color. My face is the color of the sky right now. we'll add some mossy green. Not mossy in the common sense of the word, not mossy like liana's flannel, but the moss of the trees we saw in front of the library before we encountered the infinite rainbows. Oh, no no, there was more brown. Maybe not it is conventionally mossy. A pe sticks out of her hair, just an inch and a half of its halffoot length, the rest is eaten by her hair, vicious beast that it is.
The Tide is High
THe beat sickens me., but I can laugh at my sickness. My shoulder starts to hurt from the angle that I'm sitting at. Really its hurting from all the other punishment that I put it through. It just manifests itself in this moment without any other pressures. Finally the little voices Another comment from Liana
Hah songs about love. A cute freshman commented on a buzzfeed quize that I took. What element am i? Uranium, and he's plutonium. I need to get out more. Mee a little bit of red on the pallette no that's the wrong direction look into the corner.
Can I tell you what I'm looking forward to? Drunkhearsal for Humplay is on thursday. An exersive in restraint and hedonism. Restraint, because last year I drank way too much and only remember 15 minutes of it and threw up all over my backpack and in a bowl and in the pathroom I'm sure and I treid to force feed eggs to a vegan who was just trying to tell me how much she looked up to me and how vegan she was.
Anywways, there's room for improvement. The play is so funny this year, I will be able to let go of the bullshit I think.
Darling
My face is green now. When I stop typing there's a strange silence, even though we're listening to debby harry's dulcet tones. Dulcet tones, like earthshattering sex, so overused. So overused that I can use it Ironically? Surely not. We have stylistic standards after all.
Copying this diary into a word document is my new stress control. It's more reliable than porn, and I get a feeling of accomplisment as the word count inches towards the ceond half of a hundred centuries. And I'm seeing the arc of my life like I never have before. I wonder what the effect of printing it will be.
I have a new appreciateion for the mental mechanics of writing, doing this without looking. THere is a visual balance to sentences that I can no longer engage with. There are also calculations that I make, this time while wri
Liana comments on the golden light that is inviting itself in through the front window. A frequent evening visitor, I expect it. I even remember the sillouette of the giant plant out front that will project itself through
Debby is singing in French. I started reading frenchpoetry alloud the other night in the French house. I was half showing off, but half singing because the shapes my mouth made were so gracefull and comfortable and sweet. I remember times I've translated on the go, and my mind felt the same as my mouth. I'm a fool for not signing
Liana asks for placebo. We're now listening to the best of full album, and a childlike joywashes over her as unbridled angst tickles from my speakers. Her mouth silently mumbles the lyrics. It's in the water.
Angst ball!!!!
Nitrogen day. Or I didn't finish things that I was excited about. On friday, the HSS draft deadline rears its scaled and mottled horns to roar a call to the bear gardn for all seniors in that division. The party should be messy, but at least we're out of the spring break lull and into the madness that is the final quarter of the year. The final quarter before senior year.
LThe thing that I'm realizing si that I looked forward to junior year almost the same way as I have been looking forward to senior year. Some ideal of exhaltation. ONE who has passed the qualfears nothing. One who has a thesis fears nothing. One whio is in advanced physics classes is never doubted, one who is in senior symposium is only adored.Liana asks what i"m writing again. Even though I'm doubting my excitement, i still believe in it.
Change your taste in men.
No comments:
Post a Comment