dream:
joel franklin wants to talk to just two of us, but instead a bunch of people show up and he ends up giving a lecture to all of them. a similar thing happens to another prof? doing some kind of programming lab.

beautiful lyons was on a raft on a river with jeanie and his gf and i was on a look out and later he comes to my house and we have sex on the porch. edelman takes pictures, which my friends tell me about later. after I come he has disappeared? inside my friends ask me about him. axcelle cries because it's raining and he wants to go camping.

nothing to say

I tried listening to Beck's new album and I just started crying. Not because it was good or anything, it was just written in a very sad key, a sad key to my sad lock, which once opened lets all of the tears out. The Academy would like to recognize Julia for Most Depressing Mixed Metaphor.

Speaking of the motherfucking Academy.
I passed my qual. First try and everything. But let me rephrase that: I "completed" my qual. For some reason the wording on the letter really irks me. It was not at all satisfying. Maybe when I make business cards that say Physicist on them it will feel better.
The thing is that I don't feel like a physicist for passing my qual. I feel useless because I still can't do my homework with any sort of grace. Is that what will make me a physicist? What will make this all make sense. What will make it feel okay.

Okay. It's okay.

Oh, something towards feeling like a physicist: The Junior Physics Girls (3 of us) ordered red baseball caps with "NOETHER" embroidered on the front in white letters. In that font. I think it'll be great. We will feel very good at softball practice, this much is certain.

I think I need to drop E-Chem. That's 10 hrs per week that I will get back, and more than that it is almost two full days, since E-Chem slices my Tuesdays and Thursdays in half and makes both of them less productive.

I'm just trying to function, and seeing as that is my only goal it reflects pretty poorly on me when I am failing to do that. I'm a mess.

I went on an OkCupid date and it was terrifying but he's pretty cool and interesting.

I love my friends? But they can't help me, except to let me forget about this homework that weighs on me forever.

What it is like to study Physics

Studying physics is like waking up from a lucid dream.

The world before physics is the half-agentive dreamscape that I wake up from. I wake up in a swirl of brilliance, the beauty of both worlds still intertwined in a mixed reality. But then I realize where I am, in bed and I try to get up and I can't move. I realize I'm soaked in sweat and that cool lines shine from my eyes where tears fell while I slept. There's pressure on my chest.