"That would have been the advice to my younger self: be naive and open-minded."

This is a quote from an interview with Daniel Craig doing promos for his new Bond Movie.

I finished On Freedom this morning. Maggie Nelson writes about how exploring freedom meant facing down anxiety - that rang so true. I spend so much energy looking for what is essentially a system of constraints: my own value structure. The task that should follow, but that I instead have to do in parallel, is to build a meaningful life around it. This is to mitigate the otherwise boundless freedom that I feel I have, and the lack of purpose or connection that I feel if I exercise it.

Another feeling I had when reading it was how thrilling it is to think about big ideas, but how rarely I do it. I don't give my ideas their proper value; I worry about them being wrong; I worry that thinking them through will be unpleasant, when in fact it is the most thrilling thing that I can do with my life! 

I could have such beautiful ideas. My ideas could inspire other people. My ideas could create new systems and institutions. My ideas could be prescient, or off-base, and they would still have had value.

Yesterday at DnD, Grace asked what I did over the weekend. I drew a total blank. I had nothing to report. I couldn't picture a single moment from the weekend. A few minutes later I realized I had seen Dune with two of the other people at DnD! I had gone to a housewarming party! I had walked across town with Rennie talking about how we value and struggle with our long-term romantic partnerships. These were all really nice experiences, from deep interpersonal connection to excitement and awe to the sun on my skin and a drink in my hand. Even riding my bicycle to the party was a blessing. Getting dressed for the day was a pleasure (lately it is frustrating, because my boobs are so big and many of my clothes don't fit right anymore, but that day it was a pleasure!).

It's so frustrating that I had lost all memory of that in a matter of 4 days! The good things! Gone!

My job is so draining these days. I start the day stuck in my bed, feeling that if I leave it (even if I have two hours before I would start work!) then the obligations begin. 

I end work with nothing left in my tank; I lay on the couch and watch TV or Age of Empires (or I play Age of Empires, which does give me a feeling of having creative energy without having to tap any internal reserve.)

I find myself frequently thinking that I should delete Instagram and Twitter, but they are the main way that I procrastinate on work, so how can I do that?! If I go out for a walk for 15 minutes I feel so much better than spending 15 minutes on Instagram. 

Welp, I just deleted Instagram and Twitter from my phone, so that should help. At the very least, if I want to waste time on my phone, I'll have to practice Chinese on Duolingo. Or I'll go on LinkedIn or Facebook but I don't waste that much time on either - I think we can live with those.

I really need to use this blog more. 1) I can try out my big ideas 2) I can remember what the fuck I did two days ago 3) it scratches a vague self-actualization itch, probably by doing 1 and 2. Maybe there are just two reasons.

So strange to start this writing-and-thinking moment saying "I'm so free" and end it by saying "I am a slave to social media and work!"

But, like working on freedom invites anxiety, to be anything is to be sensitive to its opposite, I think. We simply deal in contradictions constantly. Life is discovering new contradictions to inhabit.