From 6/13/18
What happened
I leave my life and job and move to Oregon. I feel relieved and excited but also like I don’t know how to do what I have decided to do.
I come to DC, feel very vulnerable and protective of myself. Feel pressure to figure out what I want to do for work.
I make clumsy attempts to ask for validation (“are you still excited to live with me?” And the girlfriend thing). Feel troubled when they don’t really pan out, but also don’t take it personally and acknowledge to myself that it’s not fair to ask those questions and assume a positive outcome.
I feel happy and safe in DC for a few days after working hard to take care of myself and look for inspiration, and talking in the park and feeling like we connected also helped.
Our last conversation shakes my basic assumptions about our status. I am scared and stressed but I don’t really know what it means.
I fly to Portland, Liana talks me down in the airport and then I get your text messages and I feel okay.
I go to Corvallis. We talk about two things that might have been okay to talk about if I hadn’t been 90% of the way to an emotional breakdown.
Break down emotionally for several hours, call you at 3 am.
I write you an email.
Next week or two is basically a blur.
Start to feel better, went to Showcase and Renn Fayre
I write you a few letters, focusing on the good stuff.
Fender bender in PDX with Jeanie, spend the next few days getting more and more stressed about minor things and also my trip to DC, feeling like I was behind on planning for it and wishing that I could know what it would be like.
Go back to Corvallis. Get it together a bit, feel more productive and stable.
Go to ceramics workshop with mom. Cole’s thing with his girlfriend creates physical and emotional discomfort that lasts for a day or two. I’m angry at myself for bringing it up again. I’m annoyed that I built it up into a big thing and that I haven’t been able to build it down. I’m annoyed that something that should have been sweet is sour.
Get sick, lose my bag, go to Bishop, stay sick.
Get better, go on some nice hikes and adventures.
Bedbugs thing. The idea of canceling this trip at the last minute and that it would be okay for you but not for me brings everything back. Cry all night and call you in the morning. Phone call is not great for either of us.
Texting about it sucks a lot and then you understand what’s wrong and I feel much better.
Come here and things are good but not great. Feel like neither of us knows where the other is at. Don’t really want to share where I’m at because it’s not so pretty, and I don’t understand it. Feel like I don’t know how to take care of you and you don’t know how to take care of me. Feel like our stresses are compounding instead of us helping each other with stress. Feeling excited to live here, like there are many opportunities for me to thrive on multiple fronts. Feeling like I made a big mistake in thinking the fear and hurt would go away if some time passed and we had other experiences that didn’t reinforce those feelings and instead made me feel appreciated and in sync with you. Feeling like there’s nothing else to do? Feel like when I think I/we’ve made progress it undoes itself. Feel like I don’t know what’s fair to expect from you or from me, don’t know how to get what I want or need from either of us.
First time talking about the misunderstandings and the month after (in meridian hill park) felt bad. Felt like it was on me to get over it and to be ready if/when it happened again. Felt like we had set ourselves up well to talk about it by having a fun night but it still didn’t work. Feeling like we needed more practice talking about things in general but that now there was a ton of weight built up behind this and it makes it so much harder.
Second time talking about it felt better. Felt like you understood more why I felt how I felt. Felt like you addressed my fears directly and gave me reasons to let them go.
Last night got in a little loop. Felt like I had been holding things in and struggling to share myself. Don’t really understand why it felt so intense right then. Feel bad for not being able to communicate about it and for getting annoyed so quickly. Feel bad for ruining our sleep.
You told me that you never didn’t want me to be your girlfriend
You told me what being your girlfriend meant, and it made me feel like we were equally committed
You told me why you loved me and they were good reasons
You told me you didn’t understand that I had been stressed about you not being committed, which helped me stop resenting you for leaving me uncertain for so long.
You apologized specifically for the misunderstanding
I felt like you tried to understand where I was at.
When I feel like you are annoyed with me for having strong feelings
When I feel like you aren’t trying to understand what’s going on for me
When I feel like I’m under pressure to fix it
When I feel like I’m doing something wrong
I need to feel less vulnerable in general in order to be able to choose to be vulnerable.
I feel like I don’t know what’s going on for you so I can only try to figure out what’s going on for me and then I spend too much time thinking about little things that I should move past.
I feel like my stress is a burden that I have to deal with on my own
I feel like you don’t think about how some things you say will affect me, and that when they do affect me I have to deal with it on my own.
I feel like there is a problem, and I try to blame it on myself so that I have control over it, and then it becomes too much for me to handle.
Part of why I call you when I’m freaking out is because I am afraid that you don’t realize I’m scared or hurt. And when you don’t react the way I expect you to (with concern for my wellbeing) I feel like you still don’t realize it, even though I’m right there overwhelmed by it.
I feel like you’ve been putting less time and energy and thought into this than you did when I was in Santa Cruz, or other times that I visited. I recognize that circumstances change and you are busier than before and there are lots of other things to take care of, and that you’re still putting a lot of time and energy and thought into this. I’m not even sure it’s true. But it does seem less even.
Make a list of the things I’m proud of and happy about that have nothing to do with him :P
Being brave and doing scary things because I want to have interesting experiences
Being a good friend to myself
Being a good friend to my friends
Talking to new people in new situations
Finding interesting things to do and learning from them
Agreeing to do the freelance project and doing a pretty good job at it
Being called a consummate professional :P
Having ambitious dreams and not giving up on them even if they might be far away
Church coop
Writing
Charming people when I meet them
Not taking it personally when people aren’t charmed by me
Giving myself a second chance to charm people even if I think my first impression was meh
Getting a little better at puns
Getting better at cooking
Getting to know myself better
Writing nice letters that people are impressed by
Make a list of things I’m grateful for some of which have to do with him
The support of my family
The support of my friends
The creativity and bravery of my friends
Being financially independent and secure for the foreseeable future
Being physically healthy
Having an awesome younger brother and building a relationship with him
’s eyes
’s lips
’s hair
’s back
’s front
’s cock
’s legs
’s smile
’s laugh
’s grin
’s head on my chest
’s hands
’s company
’s support
Curiosity
Buy something nice
Express myself more bravely
Think about things that make me happy when I’m feeling stressed and anxious
What made it better
What makes it worse
Themes
Questions
Are we spending too much time together?
I could do lots of other things in the evenings if we should have more alone time.
Are we putting too much pressure on this by planning to live together?
Are we putting too much pressure on this by living together now?
Is the pressure of the house thing too much?
Are we talking too much about serious stuff and not having enough fun?
Should we be dealing with the bedbug thing more coherently? Want to plan a set of actions, or want to deal with it later when I’m not around?
Autocorrect therapist: I feel like I don’t know how to take care of myself and I feel like I feel pressure to feel like I feel like it and That was that time we had been a lot better to go together to do things like that we felt we had a good feeling like that and then it was a good time for you and we felt together.
Things I’m going to do to stop freaking out
What happened
I leave my life and job and move to Oregon. I feel relieved and excited but also like I don’t know how to do what I have decided to do.
I come to DC, feel very vulnerable and protective of myself. Feel pressure to figure out what I want to do for work.
I make clumsy attempts to ask for validation (“are you still excited to live with me?” And the girlfriend thing). Feel troubled when they don’t really pan out, but also don’t take it personally and acknowledge to myself that it’s not fair to ask those questions and assume a positive outcome.
I feel happy and safe in DC for a few days after working hard to take care of myself and look for inspiration, and talking in the park and feeling like we connected also helped.
Our last conversation shakes my basic assumptions about our status. I am scared and stressed but I don’t really know what it means.
I fly to Portland, Liana talks me down in the airport and then I get your text messages and I feel okay.
I go to Corvallis. We talk about two things that might have been okay to talk about if I hadn’t been 90% of the way to an emotional breakdown.
Break down emotionally for several hours, call you at 3 am.
I write you an email.
Next week or two is basically a blur.
Start to feel better, went to Showcase and Renn Fayre
I write you a few letters, focusing on the good stuff.
Fender bender in PDX with Jeanie, spend the next few days getting more and more stressed about minor things and also my trip to DC, feeling like I was behind on planning for it and wishing that I could know what it would be like.
Go back to Corvallis. Get it together a bit, feel more productive and stable.
Go to ceramics workshop with mom. Cole’s thing with his girlfriend creates physical and emotional discomfort that lasts for a day or two. I’m angry at myself for bringing it up again. I’m annoyed that I built it up into a big thing and that I haven’t been able to build it down. I’m annoyed that something that should have been sweet is sour.
Get sick, lose my bag, go to Bishop, stay sick.
Get better, go on some nice hikes and adventures.
Bedbugs thing. The idea of canceling this trip at the last minute and that it would be okay for you but not for me brings everything back. Cry all night and call you in the morning. Phone call is not great for either of us.
Texting about it sucks a lot and then you understand what’s wrong and I feel much better.
Come here and things are good but not great. Feel like neither of us knows where the other is at. Don’t really want to share where I’m at because it’s not so pretty, and I don’t understand it. Feel like I don’t know how to take care of you and you don’t know how to take care of me. Feel like our stresses are compounding instead of us helping each other with stress. Feeling excited to live here, like there are many opportunities for me to thrive on multiple fronts. Feeling like I made a big mistake in thinking the fear and hurt would go away if some time passed and we had other experiences that didn’t reinforce those feelings and instead made me feel appreciated and in sync with you. Feeling like there’s nothing else to do? Feel like when I think I/we’ve made progress it undoes itself. Feel like I don’t know what’s fair to expect from you or from me, don’t know how to get what I want or need from either of us.
First time talking about the misunderstandings and the month after (in meridian hill park) felt bad. Felt like it was on me to get over it and to be ready if/when it happened again. Felt like we had set ourselves up well to talk about it by having a fun night but it still didn’t work. Feeling like we needed more practice talking about things in general but that now there was a ton of weight built up behind this and it makes it so much harder.
Second time talking about it felt better. Felt like you understood more why I felt how I felt. Felt like you addressed my fears directly and gave me reasons to let them go.
Last night got in a little loop. Felt like I had been holding things in and struggling to share myself. Don’t really understand why it felt so intense right then. Feel bad for not being able to communicate about it and for getting annoyed so quickly. Feel bad for ruining our sleep.
You told me that you never didn’t want me to be your girlfriend
You told me what being your girlfriend meant, and it made me feel like we were equally committed
You told me why you loved me and they were good reasons
You told me you didn’t understand that I had been stressed about you not being committed, which helped me stop resenting you for leaving me uncertain for so long.
You apologized specifically for the misunderstanding
I felt like you tried to understand where I was at.
When I feel like you are annoyed with me for having strong feelings
When I feel like you aren’t trying to understand what’s going on for me
When I feel like I’m under pressure to fix it
When I feel like I’m doing something wrong
I need to feel less vulnerable in general in order to be able to choose to be vulnerable.
I feel like I don’t know what’s going on for you so I can only try to figure out what’s going on for me and then I spend too much time thinking about little things that I should move past.
I feel like my stress is a burden that I have to deal with on my own
I feel like you don’t think about how some things you say will affect me, and that when they do affect me I have to deal with it on my own.
I feel like there is a problem, and I try to blame it on myself so that I have control over it, and then it becomes too much for me to handle.
Part of why I call you when I’m freaking out is because I am afraid that you don’t realize I’m scared or hurt. And when you don’t react the way I expect you to (with concern for my wellbeing) I feel like you still don’t realize it, even though I’m right there overwhelmed by it.
I feel like you’ve been putting less time and energy and thought into this than you did when I was in Santa Cruz, or other times that I visited. I recognize that circumstances change and you are busier than before and there are lots of other things to take care of, and that you’re still putting a lot of time and energy and thought into this. I’m not even sure it’s true. But it does seem less even.
Make a list of the things I’m proud of and happy about that have nothing to do with him :P
Being brave and doing scary things because I want to have interesting experiences
Being a good friend to myself
Being a good friend to my friends
Talking to new people in new situations
Finding interesting things to do and learning from them
Agreeing to do the freelance project and doing a pretty good job at it
Being called a consummate professional :P
Having ambitious dreams and not giving up on them even if they might be far away
Church coop
Writing
Charming people when I meet them
Not taking it personally when people aren’t charmed by me
Giving myself a second chance to charm people even if I think my first impression was meh
Getting a little better at puns
Getting better at cooking
Getting to know myself better
Writing nice letters that people are impressed by
Make a list of things I’m grateful for some of which have to do with him
The support of my family
The support of my friends
The creativity and bravery of my friends
Being financially independent and secure for the foreseeable future
Being physically healthy
Having an awesome younger brother and building a relationship with him
’s eyes
’s lips
’s hair
’s back
’s front
’s cock
’s legs
’s smile
’s laugh
’s grin
’s head on my chest
’s hands
’s company
’s support
Curiosity
Buy something nice
Express myself more bravely
Think about things that make me happy when I’m feeling stressed and anxious
What made it better
What makes it worse
Themes
Questions
Are we spending too much time together?
I could do lots of other things in the evenings if we should have more alone time.
Are we putting too much pressure on this by planning to live together?
Are we putting too much pressure on this by living together now?
Is the pressure of the house thing too much?
Are we talking too much about serious stuff and not having enough fun?
Should we be dealing with the bedbug thing more coherently? Want to plan a set of actions, or want to deal with it later when I’m not around?
Autocorrect therapist: I feel like I don’t know how to take care of myself and I feel like I feel pressure to feel like I feel like it and That was that time we had been a lot better to go together to do things like that we felt we had a good feeling like that and then it was a good time for you and we felt together.
Things I’m going to do to stop freaking out
