trust oxidizing

the title is just something I thought was pretty


recently it dawned on me that I've listened almost elusively to Overgrown since last May.

and I'm not even ready for a change.

I'm in my friend's room in Menlo Park, he applies for REUs while I read the last of the Eragon series many years too late.

This trip to California has been... surprising? Shocking, but in a zen way? I feel like I'm knowing a different part of myself, and seeing how I might be done with Portland. I thought I wanted to put down roots. I thought I was tired of travelling. What I realize now is that I will have friends in many cities in the world by the time these 4 years are done, and that's like a foot in the door. San Francisco beckons. New York winks. I feel freer, and I see the people I could be in these new places. Bitter-sweetly, I see that Portland doesn't give me as much room to grow as I thought.

Such a fruitful trip, but I feel like I can't unpack it all in the moment. The calm, the discovery, how different fear tasted here... too complicated, too unexpected.

I'm also afraid that once its over I'll forget it. I could go back to PDX and get sucked into my old routines and my old self.

Can you tell I've been reading young adult fiction. I should have written after reading Kafka on the Shore and maybe my thoughts would be more nuanced.

I guess it almost feels like I can't unpack these feelings. They're a teaser taste of what I'll get when I leave.

Things I have temporarily given up on

People as individuals

A lot of stuff falls under that and I'm not going to list it all. I hope the idea of "personal" returns soon.